Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Randomize
