Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
