There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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