just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
