Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
