take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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