My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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