Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
