i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
