First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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