My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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