i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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