Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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