I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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