in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
