good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
