so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
