We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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