We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
