I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
