Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
