i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
