Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
