I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
