Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
