He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm like, not good at living.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
