Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
