i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
