i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
