Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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