does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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