In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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