I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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