I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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