Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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