Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
