I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
