Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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