Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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