i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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