So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
