U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
