make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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