i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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