When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
