If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
