i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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