I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
