Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
