My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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