If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
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