u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
