you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
